You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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