Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
