I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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