and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
