i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
