and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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