ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
