You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
