I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
