Betty ford says i'm here all night
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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