tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
