i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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