Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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