those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
