I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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