I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
