Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
That accounts for only three of the penises
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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