woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
