OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
