So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
