i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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