why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
