you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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