When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
