Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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