i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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