I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
