Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
