And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
