he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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