hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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