Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Welp...herpes.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
