I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize