i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
