Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
