The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
