Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
