My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
