Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
