oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
