I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
