A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
