The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
