im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
