Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
