i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
