dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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