Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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