just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
