I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
