I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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