My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
