She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
