I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
