I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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