he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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