Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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