yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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