My liver just broke up with me...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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